Pain is terrible and it’s great. In October of 2015, I was shattered by grief. For a solid year, I cried every day. Wow, writing that makes me choke up a little, even though what I’m about to say is good. I’ve grown so much in the past two years. More than I even realized I needed to. I didn’t realize how inauthentic being a people pleaser was. I didn’t understand why I felt lonely at times even though I had a lot of amazing friends.
By grieving and taking time alone I’ve figured out a couple things. When you are ready, you’ll want to find the fun again. For a while, I wanted to curl up in a ball and hibernate. I had glimpses of wanting to find fun, but not really. I couldn’t hold on to light for very long. I would drop into heavy often and without warning. I just spent an entire weekend in light and fun, and I have to say, it was amazing.
I love live music. I had forgotten that. Or, rather, I didn’t make time for it. And now, I found 3 solid days for it. I danced for over 25 hours. I walked around, sometimes alone, sometimes with acquaintances and other times with close friends and all of it was a joy.
When I decided to go to Kaaboo, I decided to go by myself. That isn’t to say that I didn’t want to be with other people. I really love spending time with people. But for me, the biggest desire was to feel the music. That meant going to see the venues I want, not putting a group first. I spent weeks listening to all the different possibilities and creating schedules. Every time I worked on it, I felt like I was giving myself a gift. There was some music for my soul, there was some for my dancing side, there was a bit for that dreamy romantic girl and there was some for my kickass rebellious self as well. Each day was a song in itself, with various refrain and crescendos.
I supposed the day after could have gone two ways: 1) Overly tired with the need to recuperate or 2) Inspired and ready to thrive. Thankfully, today was #2. I woke up, did yoga, organized my schedule and had meetings all morning. After I picked my kids up from school, the four of us (with only minimal fighting and one minor injury) made an awesome dinner together. One sliced the carrots and did the garlic bread, one marinated the steaks, one made the mashed potatoes and I did the heat work. I only burned myself once! 🙂 It was fun working together. I’m not usually that organized on Monday nights, although it’s become our ritual the last month and I love it! Around the table, we did our high point/low point chat. My 10-year-old was laughing so hard when she was telling her high point that it took 5 tries for the rest of us to understand her. That moment became my high point. I think if I hadn’t spent the whole weekend feeding my soul, I could have taken the earlier squabble between my kids as a big deal, then made it into a big deal, thereby ensuring no one worked together and the image of a family dinner ruined. However, because I was so happy and relaxed, it all flowed. I love it when the cycle works this way. I can see that giving myself time was awesome for all of us. So I don’t need to feel guilty for grabbing some fun now and then. I don’t need to feel guilty for putting myself first anymore because a happy me gives so much more to the people around me. Wow, that sounds cheesy, even for me. But I stand by it.
Hope you had a great weekend too! What are you doing that feeds your soul? XOXO K